An Unexpected Journey

In April of 2016 we were living in a hotel and waiting to close on our new, foreclosed, house in North Carolina. We didn’t know anyone in this new town and we were still not quite sure what our new life (and Matt’s job) was going to hold for us here in the south. So far we liked it!!

On the 4th day of that month in our tiny hotel room I woke up to take a pregnancy test only to find that the fancy electronic test decided to read five big annoying letters: ERROR! Now what? It’s not like I can try again and Matt had to head out to work so I went back to bed somewhat disappointed. I decided to open my First 5 app and the verse that day was Hebrews 10:23 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” I felt a little whisper from God saying don’t worry I got this! I immediately set the verse as my lock screen on my phone and it hasn’t changed since.

It wasn’t new to have negative pregnancy tests as we had been trying to get pregnant for nearly a year at that point. Between deployments, work trips, deaths in the family our schedules made it a bit more difficult than usual. We were getting frustrated and a bit discourage by the same answer every month: NO.

Matt left for work and I eventually got up to try the last test I had. Nervous to read the results (this time I only had to look for the pink lines) I turned the test over so I couldn’t see until I was ready. With a hope and a prayer I peeked at the test to find two bright pink lines!!! I felt relief wash over me as our long wait was finally over and joy that I was soon going to have two little ones to love on! I took a picture of Brooklyn wearing my “I’m The Big Sister” shirt from when I was a kid (I had been carrying that shirt around just waiting for this day) and holding the positive test!! We immediately sent it to daddy and shared with a couple friends.

Then the “what’s next” thoughts set in. We didn’t know anyone in North Carolina, I had no doctor and we were planning to head to Minnesota in about 10 days to stay for a while during some of Matt’s training. I quickly had to find a care provider and figure out how insurance was going to work during our time in limbo. I was able to schedule my first OB appointment at a clinic in Minnesota once I was 7 weeks along.

On April 15th we picked up Grandma Mary from the airport and went straight to our house closing. On the way to our appointment we shared the exciting news with grandma! After signing millions of papers we were officially North Carolina homeowners and off we went to see the new house! We met with three painters, dropped off the trailer, moved in a couple boxes, and then said “see you later” until we would all return together in June. The next day the 3½ of us and one dog piled into the car for the two day road trip to Minnesota.

It wasn’t long once we arrived in Minnesota that most of the family learned of our exciting news. I tried to keep quiet until I could confirm the pregnancy at my doctor’s appointment, but it wasn’t easy. I remember talking with one friend on the phone about how slow time was going and how I just wanted to get to my appointment to make sure everything was going well. Deep down I felt a bit “off”.

I had been in Minnesota for about 10 days and one afternoon I started spotting. I called Matt to let him know but I didn’t tell anyone else as we were planning to go out for dinner to celebrate a birthday that evening and I didn’t want to take away from the fun night. Inside I was worried! That night the bleeding got worse and I started to experience some cramping. I let my mom know what I thought was happening.

The next day I went to the lab to have my levels drawn and the doctor said that my numbers were low for where they should be and that I could be miscarrying but they weren’t sure. They wanted me to have an ultrasound done but they had a hard time finding an open appointment time. I couldn’t get in to see anyone for a couple days and while I waited the pain just got worse. The night before my ultrasound I was in the worst pain and my fears were confirmed (without going into too much detail). In many ways I was experiencing so much sadness but in other ways I had so much relief to just know it was done. My ultrasound the following day confirmed the baby was gone and Matt was on a plane home to Minnesota to be with me over the weekend.

We spent the weekend with family and had a family babyshower to attend. Lord give me strength!! I was so thankful that Matt was with that weekend as my body was still recovering physically and emotionally after that very difficult week. The next two months in Minnesota looked a little different and I took that time to just soak in where God had me. I still get very emotional thinking about this time and can’t imagine how someone could go through loss multiple times or at a later stage in their pregnancy. The pain in childbirth is great but the pain in loss is greater!